Hi. I’ve been ill the entire week + last weekend. Yeah, the worst cold in the world was transmitted by my university friend and now I’m dealing with the animosity that is ending partials week with (again) the worst cough problem in my life. Probably not, but that’s how it feels. But I couldn’t just retire from this, it’s like a drug that no matter if people actually see this, I just can’t stop enjoying. So today’s pair resemble in one thing for many but for me in two, I’m talking about Sam Franco from Don’t Look Back by Jennifer L. Armentrout, and Cady Sinclair from We Were Liars by E. Lockhart.
Exhibit A. Lost Self.
There’s no question when it comes to these two memory issues. Starting with Sam, who literally first appears in the book without remembering a thing covered in mud in a strange street. Once in the hospital, people start telling her she’s been lost for a while and her bff as well but she can’t recall anything; to the point of forgetting her parents or who she truly was before the whole memory loss. It’s awful cuz she wants to go back to the life she had, to the feelings she endure until she realises she wasn’t such a good girl as most people try making her believe. She was a mean girl that could or couldn’t have killed her bff. She wants to know, she needs to fulfill the blanks in her memory of that specific where her memory was just gone as she was. There’s where the real mystery begins, to find out if her old self should come back or just let her go back to a dark corner in her brain.
Then there’s another issue with Cady, she hasn’t lost her entire memory. Just of one night, her cousins and sort of boyfriend next to her wanted to do something so the family wouldn’t become more like the snobbish and greedy grandfather but their plan just ended up in her running in the woods with the rest and been found covered in dirt with no memory of what the plan was all about and why she couldn’t stop crying. Now, with her parents divorced, a new hair color and style, she’s back in the family’s island houses trying to find out what happened that nigh and why the family seems to barely recognize her existence. Why her family keeps lying to her, why her cousins Miren and Johnny don’t tell her the truth, and why her love Gat doesn’t what to talk about it. It’s killing her inside but she feels somehow free, more than she ever felt in that island.
Exhibit B. Suspicion on Point.
Everytime Sam gets to know more about her life and the people around her. Her family seem her as this precious girl send from heaven, her brother see her as a mean and superficial chick, her boyfriend Del insists she was awesome and they were already intimate, but everyone admit that her choice of Cassie to be her best friend was not a good one. She was the bad girl, not enough money and wanting to be like her in every way. And once she starts getting some flashbacks, she knows that maybe her brother and the guy she likes but used to treat like crap (Carson) are right, she was a bad person but not entirely. And her friends weren’t as good as they told her they were, her boyfriend could have had something with Cassie and Cassie could have not been such a good friend, after all.
Then with Cady, nobody tells her the truth. She remembers Gat had a girlfriend waiting for him at home but he doesn’t talk about her anymore, how Miren didn’t stop talking about her education and she just doesn’t do it anymore, how everyone seem as reckless as Johnny once was. She has questions, like why her aunt cries over Johnny’s shirt at night, why her former mean grandfather calls her Miren and why her other aunt separated from Gat’s uncle. How life could change in one night? Nobody tells her anything, but slowly she’ll come to realise that one night she’ll become like the rest and cry over what truly happened.
Exhibit C. Moving On.
The truth wasn’t as rich as they wished it to be. Sam found out her life was actually a lie before the day her memory was gone and all because of what caused it, her jealous best friend slept with her boyfriend and hide a secret: she’s her half sister, Cassie only wanted their father to admit it and have a try relationship with her but when he refused and saw Sam also there. He killed Cassie and forced Sam forget it. Once she remembered, he tried killing her too only to retain the money of her mother. She survived with Carson and her remaining family beside her, the traumatic experience will stay with her for good but with their help she recovers day by day. To be a better version of herself, to recover her life and maybe give into love with Carson.
In the case of Cady, it was harder. Realising what her repressed memories of that night were, the fact her cousins, Gat and herself planned to burn down the house and that in a second she forgot they were still inside when she light the match. She run out of fear, she was crying because of what she did, her aunts’ life was completely altered, her family was scarred and her heart broke itself taking her memories with her. She didn’t want to live anymore knowing the truth, but the “ghosts” of Miren, Johnny and Gat let her see that there’s more than her past actions, than her past self and that she can change that for the next generation: her other little cousins whose parents are too broken to look after, she knows she’ll have to let her pain go and live again. She’ll never forget again but she’ll try to go on for them, for herlsef.
It’s obvious who ended up more damaged after finding out the real stuff that happened during their respective blackouts. But hem both, were dragged into these situations out of desperation, greed and distrust. While reading them both, my only wish was to find out the truth but once I did, like them it was hard to swallow and deal with. But somehow, I think they are doing alright, learning what life is truly about.
I chose this out of a lot, but once I read the lyrics well. Specially towards the feeling of desiring a truth, to find who you are or were. I’m talking about *Paralysed by NF*.
I’m scared to live but I’m scared to die
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
But it’s still alive
And it’s taking over me where am I?
I wanna feel something, I’m numb inside
But I feel nothing, I wonder why
And on the race of life time passes by
I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets
Waves come crashing over me but I just watch ’em
I just watch ’em
I’m under water but I feel like I’m on top of it
I’m at the bottom and I don’t know what the problem is
I’m in a box
But I’m the one who locked me in
Suffocating and I’m running out of oxygen