This week I’ve dealt with much, from my own depression and anxiety to my little writer’s block during the first weeks of my new university cycle with classmates I don’t know, while thinking that somehow I’ve done something to annoy my bff (I hadn’t, that was me overreacting). As I watched the Emmys and the season premiere of AHS: 1984, I totally forgot to upload this, besides I was also venturing through a new Jonerys fanfic that just kept me going nonstop when I should have been finishing a book, in other words I’ve been quite busy.
But I had to deal with a few storylines like a rough heart-to-heart between Lottie and her mother. It finally happened and the emotions were flying, tears and screaming, and anger mixed with some sort of shame. I mean I got all that anger, coming from my own experiences with my mother… Not that she hid some secrets but her lack of caring/loving my sister is what fired my wrath towards her, the neglect and just plain making her feel unworthy of her love is what helped me write that hatred. I wanted to make it rain but somehow I thought it would be too dramatic for this already over the top moment, between them Chamberlain women, mother and daughter. While writing I got both sides, I mean the fact Lottie already looked down on her mother for never dealing with her daughter like a proper mom, but now finding out she was that “selfish” thinking only in her pain but in the broken home she was creating, how she not only “destroyed herself” but her children as well. Lottie cannot fit in her mind what depression does to a person, cuz letting down her beloved sister would mean the end of the world for her, so it’s something she just can’t conceive. While Delia now has to address the darkest moments of her life as a young adult, how her world crumbled with the visit of a cop, how she became a widowed single mother at such a young age that anyone would (emotionally) shattered. I understand her side of the story as I dealt with depression as I previously written in other entries, so I totally get what’s like to not physically able to care for others the way it happened before, not because of your lack of caring but because it was impossible. How regretful she feels, because now she can’t do much more than trying to earn Lottie’s trust… Something that perhaps she never had, she already feels she lost Leah a long time ago so she doesn’t put that much effort there, though she wished she could go back and that’s her greatest shame. It’s a messy situation with them both, I wanted to translate how one act can drive us to not look at our parents the same way, not only the lack of respect it handles but also the fact that single act remains with us making it hard to trust in others. (‘How could you leave us’ by NF, helped a lot to be in that ‘blaming the parent’ state of mind)
While with Lottie, it has been quite the opposite since that’s helped her find some shelter in Dillon who now is not only a warm body to have sex with who’s also entertaining but a good person, a good friend who makes her feel no so damaged. I mean the moment people started saying how perfect her dad was, she inmediately thought she would be a shame for him. She, for a moment, saw herself the way every judgy individual she’s ever encounter looked at her, like she was nothing more than nice looks and sexual fun. But this is not that just suddenly went into her mind, she has been hearing this for a long time and to a point has believed it a bit, she never cared because somehow that wasn’t as twisted as what her female relatives (minus Leah) always did, and now she knows her father just plain didn’t like that side of the family, therefore she doesn’t see herself as a fit offspring for such a golden man. She’s not hardworking, she’s manipulative and quite flagrant at such a young age, she thinks that her glorious father would slutshame her like everyone else; but comparing her pain because of her parents to the grieve that Dillon has kept hidden about his own mother helps them both maybe not heal but understand they are not alone in their own drama but actually experiencing, or allowing themselves to experience their teenage years to the fullest, not everything has to be passionate or controlling, it can be painful too. Which is something I’ve always wanted, to have someone to share my issues with, at least one who’s willing to listen and who’s not psychologist. (I listened to a lot of Tove Lo‘s nice loving songs, like the recently released ‘Sweettalk my Heart’)
Which is what leads Lottie to change course of her extracurriculars, she never realised how she never took anything serious when she moved schools. When she got in the cheer team, she never saw it fitting her wishes entirely, obvi she could look hot while jumping in a short skirt but never felt right nor important. While whithin the volleyball team, she’s allowing herself to struggle to be enough for that team, she actually wants to belong to the team and acknowledges it as something worthy of her endeavor. I know what’s like to only be in something to feel you’re doing something with your time and make people look at you with respect, but actually not feeling like it’s your calling and I’m giving Lottie the chance I don’t have to change her perspective.
I also took that moment to include a character that will be minor but will make an impact in this story’s drama department. Little Violeta will cuz some troubles with her stupid moves of jelousy and plain fakeness, I imagine her as this girl who has already made a draft of her perfect high school experience just like her sister had before, she wants popularity but to be viewed as this nice prude girl that everyone HAS to adore but she’s not making a great effort on actually caring for others, since somehow everything wrong has to be somebody else’s fault. She sees herself as an overachiever who is not getting what she deserves because of someone who doesn’t battles like her to get what she expected to win. Her nemesis has become Lottie, at least in her mind. This girl sees her as a slutty lazy brat whose popularity and money could give her what she deserves but who has chosen to be as wicked as the others who don’t like her, even though Lottie doesn’t see or values that girl enough to care about her life. For V is a huge deal, while for Lottie is just an annoying insignificant child with a greatness complex. (All those volleyball scenes were totally done while listening to ‘You don’t wanna play with us’ by TheUnder x Robyn The Bank)
I also wanted to finally address the whole Sam&Hennie deal between Lottie and Sam once and for all. So I made it go as naturally as possible for these two bffs, I knew she wouldn’t react with anger towards her friend sleeping with her stepbrother, their relationship has never been like that and she’s willing to listen to Sam’s issues, her alleged “self-serving” is a cry for help. Lottie knows that it will eventually hurt Hendrick to be brokenhearted by his forever crush, but cares also about Sam enough to give her advice and be ready to care for them both when this thing between them finally ends. However, it’s still somehow taboo since she wants to hear nothing of that sexual part involving her little stepbrother; which is somehow the way I would react to the same thing afte meditating it for a bit, so creepy but it would be their thing, not my bussiness I guess. I wanted to reflect Lottie’s genuine care for her best friend who’s not an accesory but a really important part of her life and confidence. Like Lottie wouldn’t feel that loving connection with other people if not for Leah and Sam, who made her feel loved and cherished when her mother wouldn’t and other little girls doubted her kindness or value as a possible friend. I based that in my own experience with my bff, I was Sam dealing with my inner issues and my best friend helped me see I’ll always count on her and she’ll never forget about me. (I think that somehow I ventured in what Sam was potraying to Lottie, through ‘Consequences’ by Camila Cabello)
(The author leaves to cry a bit.)